What the heart wants
by Hikari monkie
Summary: This is about Hikari Horaki's life during the choas that is Evangelion. As Hikari's struggles to find who she really is and how she really feels about a certain someone she is tossed into a world of uncertaintity. lol umm okay...
1. what the heart wants

Authors note Alright here it goes folks.  I decided that Hikari needed to tell her story.  Plus she needs to have her happy ending, Wait, Eva and a happy ending?  Well anything is possible.  He-he  Anywho enjoy the sappiness!!

_Is there any way I can stay in your arms? _

_'Cause I love you whether it is wrong or right, I just wanna be by your side!!_

She thought to herself while she looked at him from across the room.  Like so many other times she watched him, trying hard to not catch his attention, because the one thing she wanted so bad was also the one thing she feared the most: him finding out.  She wished everyday that he would realize for once that she was all he needed. Yet she was scared of that moment, if it ever happened. 

So she sat there in her chair trying to understand what her friends were talking about. 

"So we're going, right?" one of her friends asked.

"Umm yeah sure" she shrugged cause heck if she knew what was going on.

Her friends continued planning what to do the next day, while she just sat waiting to go to class.  Like so many other days she wasn't ready. She had started to hate being class rep. It seemed as if everyone else thought it was an easy job, but it wasn't.

It seemed like school was becoming pointless.  More and more she wanted her life to begin.  Her real life!! She wanted to finally fall in love with her prince charming, ride off into the sunset like some fairy tale princess and live happily ever after.  Yet she knew that was just a silly dream, if only because Touji was far from a brave knight on a dashing horse; he'd be more likely to show up at her doorstep in a sweaty tracksuit than to whisk her away on a noble steed.

She also knew that thinking a guy would make everything perfect in her life was a joke.  But it was something to make the days go by more quickly. 

Later that day she wrote in her diary, like she always did.

_I saw him today again.  Btw what is up with every entry in this diary being about guys!! Oh well.  That's what my life consists of.  I saw him yet we didn't talk much, like always!!  I wish I could but I just can't.  Sucks to be me!!  But I'm hoping that soon he'll find out I like him and maybe he'll actually like me.  Lol yeah like if that's ever going to happen.  Seems like my (love) life is always full of disappointment.  I actually think I've gotten use to it.  Sad isn't it?  I can't believe Touji (my cutie pie jock) he-he, is so oblivious.   He has been quite distracted these days.  He must have other things on his mind.  I wish so hard it would be me.  Maybe it is better if he never finds out because he is such a good friend to me; I would hate to lose that if he didn't feel the same way. But then again if he does feel the same way our friendship wouldn't be ruined. sigh I'll let fate run its course…Hikari. _

The phone rings at the other end of the Hikari's apartment, and she rushes from the kitchen where she was preparing dinner to the living room.  "Hello?"  Hikari answers catching her breath because as she was running through the living room she almost tripped over one of the many tables. 

 "Hi Hikari!" She hears a familiar voice say.

"Oh hi Asuka," Hikari responded, worried about what Asuka was planning now

"Are coming over to Misato's later today?" Asuka asked.

"Umm I'm not sure; I think I have to go with my sisters to the mall later today"

"Typical of you Hikari, come on don't leave me alone with the stooges. One of them being Touji!! You know you want to go!"

"Well I guess I can go to the mall with my sisters any other time" Hikari responded with excitement, "I'll see you there."

Later that evening she gets a call from Asuka, just as she was about to walk out of her home.  "Hey Hikari, never mind about tonight, gotta work! Argh, I'll see you tomorrow at school okay?"

"Oh okay , yeah see you …" click, "tomorrow… hmmm…She must have been in a hurry" she says as she hangs up the phone disappointed that she wasn't going to be able to see Touji and of course  hang out with Asuka. 

 Saddened she goes into her room, turns on her Sega and begins to play.  She knows she should be finishing her homework but tonight she feels like slacking off. Five minutes later she turns off the game and sits on her bed finishing her homework.  Who was she kidding; she was never going to change. As she falls asleep she reminds herself that tomorrow she told Touji she would have lunch for him. "I hope he likes it."        

_Late at night when all the world is sleeping_

_I stay up and think of you_

And I wish on a star that somewhere you are thinking of me too 

_Cause I'm dreaming of you tonight_

_Till tomorrow I'll be holding you tight_

_And there is no where in the world I'd rather be_

_Then here in my room dreaming about you and me._

_I Wonder if you ever see me and I wonder if you know I'm there_

If you looked in my eyes would you see what's inside would you even care 

_I just want to hold you close but so far all I have are dreams of you_

_So I wait for the day to get the courage to say how much I love you.   _

I guess I really have to thank or blame, however you might think of it, some people.  First of, Vegeta's lil Princess, you are the one who forced or considered I write this, so this is for you.  Oh and of course I have to thank my mentors Mr. Nicholas Bledsoe and Miss Mia Elf.  Sorry for bugging you so much about some of the stuff Mr. Bledsoe but who else was I suppose to ask about it. Yay! More sappiness to come? He-he  What do you think?  


	2. Sooner or later you have to come back do...

**Disclaimer:** I do not own NGE or any of the lyrics/songs that are being used in this fic k? kay. 

Author's note:  I hope you guys like this next one, if you have any comments or questions, don't know why you would though, feel free to ask.  The lyrics I've been using are from different songs that I've heard and I felt they fit in perfectly.  Anywho enjoy!

Songs used:      Ch 1:  "If you're not the one" by Daniel Bedingfield, "Dreaming of you" by Selena

Ch. 2: "Why they call it falling" by Lee Ann Womack, "The voice within" by Christina Aguilerra

Sooner or later you have to come back down  

_It's like a knife through the heart _

_When it all comes apart,_

_It's like someone takes a pin to your balloon, _

_It's a hole_

_It's a cave _

It's kinda like a grave 

2 hours before school even started, the alarm clock went off, _Are you ready kids? Aye aye captain, I can't hear you, aye aye captain.   Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?…"_  Hikari had been forced to use Nozomi's, her younger sister, alarm clock since hers had had an unfortunate encounter with Kodoma…the alarm clock lost.

"Who ever thought that was a good song to wake with was so wrong!" Hikari moaned dreading the day like so often she had. 

But quickly she got dressed and ready for school with a whole hour to spare until she had to head out.  She went into the kitchen and started preparing lunch, which most was ready since the day before.  She carefully prepared Touji's lunchbox, wrapped with special care. Not like he would notice anyway.  She almost forgot to pack her own lunch.  Which seeing how she was acting recently wouldn't be a surprise. 

As she walked to school she realized something major must have happened yesterday because the city didn't look like usual. Yeah the city was never normal but today it seemed a little different.    She finally got to school early as usual. 

As time got closer and closer to the start of class Hikari realized Touji hadn't arrived yet.  "But then again he also missed yesterday" she thought.  "Perhaps his sister isn't doing so well" 

She got up and walked towards Aida. After seeing Hikari was coming his way he tried to run the opposite way knowing that this was probably nothing good and she probably wanted him to stay for clean up, like always.

"Aida!" Hikari yelled seeing he was trying to run away from her.

"It wasn't me! I swear! It was Suzahara!!" Kensuke shouted.

"What are you talking about?" Hikari asked.

"Umm wait nothing never mind" Kensuke said with relief.

"I was just wondering if you knew why Tou... umm Suzahara didn't come to class yesterday? You know just in case I have to get some of his homework of course."  Still trying to hide, though not very well, that she actually cared about Touji.   Having everyone realize that she actually cared about him was one of her worst fears. Plus it wouldn't be good for her class rep image.

"Ohhhhh yeah I don't know.  Ha! Wouldn't it be ridiculously funny if Touji was the new pilot?"  Kensuke said " AW MAN! Why can't it be me?!" Kensuke rambled on. 

"Touji the new pilot?  Why would he ever accept that?"  She thought to herself.

"Thanks Aida" she said as she turned to walk away.  She went back to sit down at her desk as Asuka arrived just in time for class to start.  Asuka walked in with a grim look on her face.

"Asuka?" Hikari said worried because it wasn't like Asuka to look so miserable, well not all the time. 

Asuka looked at Hikari without saying anything.  Which made Hikari even more scared.   "Asuka, what's wrong?" 

Asuka took Hikari to the side trying to avoid all the other students around. 

"Hikari, well it turns out the Suzahara was the new pilot."  Asuka said with an annoyed look on her face. "Which I think was the worse decision they could have ever made but whatever, if it would have been up to me that baka wouldn't have been near any Eva."

"So it turns out Aida was right, for the first time" Hikari said.

Asuka took some time to think out how she was going to tell Hikari about Touji.  Asuka was Hikari's best friend and she knew exactly how Hikari felt about the stooge. She also knew that the news was going to be heartbreaking for her. "Hikari…" she paused afraid of saying it " …something happened" 

"To Touji?"  Hikari responded.  Deep down she hoped Asuka wasn't talking about him.

"Yeah to Suzahara" Asuka said confirming Hikari's doubts.

"Is he okay?" Hikari asked, hoping for some good news.

"Not really.  He… well got seriously injured in an attack yesterday" Asuka told Hikari trying real hard not to say by whom.  She didn't want to tell Hikari that of all people, Shinji was the one who hurt Suzahara. The invincible, the nice Shinji was the one who almost killed Suzahara.   Asuka wasn't trying to protect Shinji but she didn't think Hikari needed to know that information just yet.

Hikari stayed quiet for what seemed like forever, she didn't know how to respond. She didn't know what to say or how to act.  Even though this wasn't a time to be worried about her classmates finding out how she felt about Touji, she still didn't want to say anything compromising.

"I'm sure he'll be fine." Hikari told Asuka even though she didn't believe that herself.  She tried hard not to let any emotion show.  Even though deep down she wanted to cry so hard.  She tried not to imagine Touji lying in a hospital bed hurt.  As ridiculous as it could sound she had already pictured her life with him. The thought of that not happening… she couldn't even fathom thinking. 

"Hikari, are you alright?" Asuka asked worried

At that moment the instructor walked in, "Good morning class!"

"Stand, bow, sit" those words just slipped out of Hikari's mouth.  She sounded like a robot, a mechanical thing that showed no emotion on the outside.  Of all things she knew how to do well was to bury her emotions inside her.  She hid things very well.  To her classmates she was the bossy one, the one that gave orders and took responsibility for the class. She wasn't supposed to be weak.  

"Yeah I'll be fine" Hikari told Asuka as she sat down. But Asuka knew Hikari better then that; she knew she wasn't all right.

At lunchtime, she and Asuka walked outside to the lunch area and looked for a good place to eat and especially talk.  Hikari took out the lunch she had carefully prepared for Touji.

 Asuka knew Hikari wasn't okay, and she knew she needed to talk. 

"Hikari I know you better then anyone, and I know you're not fine about what happened to Suzahara. I can't believe I'm saying this but would you like for me to go with you to visit him?"

"No that's okay Asuka. Trust me I'll be fine and he'll be fine too." She tried to convince herself.

Asuka didn't try to push the conversation even though it was her custom to do so.  Asuka took out her lunch that she had to prepare herself that morning.  Hikari noticed the face Asuka did as she tried to eat it. 

"Here you go Asuka." Hikari said as she handed Asuka the lunch she had prepared for Touji, he obviously wasn't going to be able to eat it. 

"Wow! There's enough lunch here to feed an entire army!" Asuka said astounded by how much food was in the little lunch box..  Hikari gave her a small smile. That was all she could do.

Hikari tried not to think of Touji has she fixed dinner for her sisters and her father. But she couldn't help think of him.  She wondered if he was okay, if had enough to eat. ' What if he wasn't okay? What if he was really badly injured to where he could…" she couldn't bare think of it.  She tried to put her mind at ease and think that he would be fine. He was at the best hospital with the best doctors.  She also wondered about his sister.  She knew that Touji was the only one that visited her because his father was always busy with business trips.  Touji's father was hardly ever home and didn't have time for anything; he had less time to visit his own daughter.  Who would go visit Mari, Touji's sister, now that he was in there as well.  She kept on thinking of random things. 

"Hikari Horaki!" Kodoma yelled as she walked in. 

 As Hikari snapped back to reality she realized that dinner was no loner eatable.  She had burnt it to a crisp. "Oops, Sorry"

"Where's your head at Hikari!" Kodama said looking at the mess her sister had made.

" I'm sorry," she said again.  She wasn't about to tell her sister about Touji.  She knew that Kodama wouldn't understand or care about what she was going through. Kodama always liked to make fun of her crush on Touji, plus she wouldn't care if anything happened to any of the three musketeers, as she called them.  

"So I guess we're getting take out tonight?" Kodama said upset that Hikari had ruined dinner.

"Yeah I guess so" Hikari responded.

Just then, their father arrived from work at Nerv headquarters.  Their dad had been working at Nerv for a couple of years already, often he would have long days at work to where he sometimes would come home until very late or sometimes not at all.  Her mother had passed away when Hikari was much younger. For that reason Hikari was the one in charge of her sisters, and everything else in the household.  Kodama couldn't be counted on for any of those duties.  She left everything in charge of Hikari; then again Hikari wasn't a person to mind doing everything she was told. 

As her father walked in, Hikari noticed the empty expression on his face.  He wasn't a person to show much emotion anyway but today it seemed even less. She realized that he hadn't come home last night.  Something big must have happened and she knew to whom.

"Hi dad." Kodama said as he passed by his daughters not noticing them or the smoke that hadn't left from the extra crispy dinner.  He walked straight to his room without saying a word. 

"I guess he must have had a long day at work." Kodoma said without a worry.

After ordering dinner from the restaurant down the street, Hikari went back into the kitchen to clean up the mess she had made.  Satisfied that dinner was ordered Kodama went into her room. 

Once dinner arrived, Hikari went to tell her sisters that dinner was ready. As she went towards her father's room she overheard him talking to someone on the phone. 

"… I had to take him out after everything.  I don't think I'll ever be able to forget that.  I overheard that he is the others classmate, which means he's one of Hikari's classmates.  I just hope Hikari didn't know him that well."  He said as he continued talking about what he had seen. 

Hikari slowly walked away from the door, after hearing her father describe his condition.  Even though she thought of how Touji could be all day, she never imagined he was so badly injured.  The way her father described it, brought tears to her eyes. As she tried to go to her room she bumped into Kodoma.

"Hikari!" Kodama said upset that Hikari had run into her. "What are you crying about?"

"Touji…" Hikari said not being able to finish the rest.

"The Jock! Ha! I should have known. What did the baka do this time, talk to that Rei girl again?" Kodoma said jokingly. 

Days before, Hikari had gotten upset when she had seen Touji with Rei together.  Even though she did have a talk with Asuka that day and she had reassured her that there was nothing with wonder girl going on, Hikari still came home a little upset about it. 

"You think you know everything, don't you?" Hikari yelled, fed up with her sister's remarks about Touji.  "If you only knew!" she said as she ran into her room.

"Oh my God! Teenagers!" Kodoma shouted.

Hikari lied on her bed, with her face in her pillow.  She kept picturing Touji the way her dad had found him.  The thought of him and what he was going through at that time and now, was unbearable to her.  All she thought was that he didn't deserve that.  How? Why? And by whom? She didn't know the answers to that but she wanted to know, but she did know what she could do right now, cry.  Recently she had been having strange dreams.  In her dream she was much younger.  She was sitting next to a hospital bed with one of her plushie's in hand. She remembered crying.  She remembered especially crying for her mother.  She had been left alone in the room with her mother while Her dad had taken Kodoma and her younger sister outside.  In her dream she could remember her mother telling her that she was going to have to be brave now.  That she wasn't going to be able to be with them anymore.  She told her that she loved her and said goodbye. She was alone with her mother when she passed away. Hikari couldn't bare think of losing someone she cared so much about again. 

She soon realized that she could do something.  She picked up the phone and called the only one that could help her now,  "Asuka? I need a favor."

Young girl don't cry  
I'll be right here when your world starts to fall  
Young girl it's alright  
Your tears will dry, you'll soon be free to fly  
When you're safe inside your room you tend to dream  
Of a place where nothing's harder than it seems  
No one ever wants to bother to explain  
Of the heartache life can bring and what it means   
Young girl don't hide  
You'll never change if you just run away  
Young girl just hold tight  
Soon you're gonna see your brighter day   
Young girl don't cry  
I'll be right here when your world starts to fall

Authors note: sniff sniff   poor Hikari, can't she get a break?


End file.
